The Second Arrow

When I first discovered positive psychology and lifestyle as medicine, I felt a sense of control over my depression for the first time in my life. The symptoms continued to come and go but the hopelessness and helplessness were gone.  I felt as though I had found my magic bullet, or bullets really.  I finally had tools that I knew would keep me from sinking too deeply into the darkness, tools I could call on to maintain my balance, like a handrail anytime my legs gave out.  Ever since I have wanted to share this magic with others.  “Everyone, over here!  I have the answer!  I found peace, happiness, and balance!  You can too! Quick, over here, it’s the cure!”

But of course, that’s not how it works. 

I was reminded the other day as I pushed through the funk I had found myself in for a week or so, that there is no perfect recipe for happiness.  Funks still come and go, even for people like me who spend their days steeped in all of the happiness research.  Constant happiness itself is not even the goal.  It cannot be.  For if we try to make happiness the goal we will find ourselves endlessly disappointed.  Life is not, and cannot, always be happy. 

Buddhists have it correct, I think, when they use the metaphor of the second arrow.  As they describe, life will bring misfortune and when it does, it is as if we have two arrows coming toward us.  The first arrow is the misfortune itself and it is painful.  The second arrow, however, is not inevitable.  The second arrow is our response to the first and as the metaphor goes, “with the second arrow come the possibility of choice.”  It is the second arrow which brings the deepest suffering.

When I feel the pressure as something of a happiness professional to feel happy all the time, I try to remember this.  Uncovering the practices around the second arrow is my work.  Myself and my clients will continue to experience the first arrow, and avoiding all suffering was never the goal. The goal is to continue to learn and share the tools to reduce the pain associated with the second arrow.  I will never have a magic bullet to share with anyone because our paths are all unique.  But I can share my own journey and the tools that help me to rebalance and rebound, the tools that keep me from falling too far.  I can share my learnings, my successes, and my failures.  And maybe if we’re honest and open about our arrows we can link arms and walk this road together with just a bit more joy.